Put some jokes here (non dirty)

[Blue Oval Mopar Man]

Originally Posted by foxtrot

LOL . there was this joke about why didn't santa visit <Place where tsunami or hurricane was> this year.. and then some real hilarious answer.. but it was a bit mean

Wish i could remember it :|

Apparently santa didnt visit the eastern part of asia this in 2004 cause he was running way behind but at least as he flew past on his way home he gave em a bit of a wave !!!!!!!!! :

[bjr22n_]

Christmas 2004
***NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH***

We have just heard there is mass destruction in Thailand, India, and other countries around the Indian Ocean.

It is alledged that Tsunami is to blame.

President Bush has committed 100,000 troops and soliders to bring find and capture this Sue Nami Shelia to justice.

[Olympus]

Originally Posted by bjr22n

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

ROFL :

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by Tiapan

q:why did the boy fall off the swing??

a:he had no arms and legs

Q: why did the little girl fall off her bike?

a: someone threw a fridge at her

NO SOMEONE THREW A KITCHEN SINK AT HER.LOL :evil_laug

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by Blue Oval Mopar Man

Did ya hear that the day after the 9/11 attacks in America , George Bush rang Superman up and asked him why the hell he didnt save all those people ?

Superman replied " Becuase I'm in a FUNKING WHEELCHAIR , you bastard !!!!!!!!!!!!!" :nutsycuck

THAT WAS COLD DUDE FUNNY BUT COLD.

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by Mr Cube

Mr T walked into a bar, it bent

BENT CRAP IT BROKE!!!!

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by BO55

Qid you hear about the short sighted circumciser? ??
A:He got the sack.

Q: Why did god create Adam before Eve?
A: He didn't want anyone telling him how to make adam.

Q:What do ya call a man with no legs swiming in the ocean
A: Bob

Q:What do ya do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A:Run like hell she has a grenade in her mouth.

Q:How do ya make four old ladies swear?
A:Get a fifth one to yell BINGO.

ROFL!!!!!!

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by Psycho Chicken

What has 60 balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.


What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.


Yes, I'm going to hell!

GO WITH PRIDE MY BROTHER.

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by foxtrot

ANYWAY BACK TO THE JOKES

Man buys new headunit for his car.. it was great, had voice recognition

You'd yell out Rock and it would start playing rock
You'd yell Metal and it would play metal
You'd yell out Rap and it would play rap

Well he's driving along and some kids jump out in front of him.. He's on the brakes hard and yells out "F****ing Children!!!"

and Michael Jackson started playing.

WINNER!!!!!

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by foxtrot

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street
when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped
beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to
you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a
$5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice
horse you've got there, sir. Did Santa bring it to
you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next
year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse,
not on top."

WOW!!! : :

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by bjr22n

Two TV antennas’ meet on top of a roof and decided to get married.
The wedding was crap
But the reception was great.

Thanks to my boss, he wanted this to be posted.

YOUR BOSS HAS NO SENSE OF HUMOR. PLEASE DO NOT POST ANYMORE OF HIS DRY LAMEA$$ JOKES.

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by lisa76

Two peanuts were walking through a forest.
One was assaulted.

WTF!!!!!!!

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by bjr22n

Whats yellow and looks like a bucket..



..........a red bucket in disguise. :

A RED BUCKET THAT HAS BEEN ИИИИED ON!!

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by bjr22n

what's brown and sticky?


.... a stick. :

LAME, VERY LAME.

[stevo351]

Q.whats the definition of impossible.
A.pickin fly s h i t out of pepper with boxing gloves on...

[stevo351]

Q.who makes more money a drug dealer or a prostitute.
A.a prostitute because they can wash there crack and sell it again.

[pauljh74]

A few shots at the Kiwis

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer, he taps him on the shoulder and says,
"You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says,
"I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"
(helps if you imagine using a New Zealand accent . . . )

Q) Why do birds fly upside down over New Zealand?
A) Because Kiwi's aren't worth crapping on.

Q) what do you say to a Kiwi with a job?
A) I'll have a big mac and fries please.

Q)What do you call a kiwi in a suit?
A) The Defendant

Q)What do you call an empty building block with 15 Kiwi rugby players on it?
A)A vacant lot.



50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.

Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."
Carlos Spencer (All Black Star) gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?" After fufteen or twinty seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."
So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"
After nearly thirty seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened.
Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"
Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

************************************************** *****************************************
An New Zealand family of rugby supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Australian rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an Australian supporter and I would like this for Christmas". His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Aussie rugby shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an Australian supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".

Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand and finds his father."Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an Australian supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an Australian supporter for an hour and already I hate you Kiwi b@stards."

[oyob2003]

After the second world war had ended an aussie soldier was shacked up with a russian girl at her farm, one morning they were in bed and the bedroom door burst open and standing there was this "HUGE" russian soldier, he took the scene in and said, do you know who I am, well I am HORSEINOFF the great russian wrestler, looking up at him the aussie soldier said yes and do you know who I am, well I am ИИИИINOFF the great australian runner.

[FordGuy]

Your Mama So Dumb She Thought A Quarterback Was A Refund. Your Mama So Poor She Can't Pay Attention.

[FordGuy]

:

Originally Posted by F6 UTE

ahhh, my kind of humour..

q.) Why did the boy lay infront of a train

a.) Chest of drawers.

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by gozza

Q "why don't blondes water ski
A cos once there wet they lie down"

sign on a condom machine

"for refund insert baby"

Q "did you hear about the boy who tried to blow up a bus?

A "he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe"

Q how do you drown a metro

A put a mirror on the pool floor

Q whats better than 8 babies in a garbage bin

A 1 baby in 8 garbage bins

OK 1BABY IN 8 GARBAGE BINS??????? :

[bjr22n_]

Originally Posted by FordGuy

Your Mama So Dumb She Thought A Quarterback Was A Refund. Your Mama So Poor She Can't Pay Attention.

:dr_Evil: right :dr_Evil:

[bjr22n_]

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a beaconsfeild mine manager?

one gets his minors stuck in shafts...

the other gets his shafts stuck in minors

[foxtrot]

bump**

[FordFan86]

What do you get when you cross an african-american with an octopus?
A very good cotton picker


(beleive me I had to work on making that at least slightly allowable hahah)

[Scareybear]

What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park the car man
--
Why do deaf/mutes masturbate with only one hand?
So they can moan with the other
--
Definition of a Mistress:
Something between a mister and a mattress
--
Why did the condom fly through the air?
It was ****ed off

Keep up the good work :thebirds:

[bjr22n_]

did you hear about the irishman who locked his keys in his car?



it took him 3 days to get his family out.

[Scareybear]

Irish Air, flight 403 was comining in to land at an unfamiliar airport, when the pilot wakes up the co-pilot with "Gosh an begorrah paddy, would you look at how short that runway is", they both freak out, telling everyone on board to prepare for an emergency landing, generally causing everybody to panic. After an amazing landing, stopping the plane just inches short of the edge of the tarmac, the pilot turns to Paddy and says, "that was close, what a stupidly short runway", Paddy replies, looking left and right,"Yeah, and bloody wide too!"

[Jestr75]

Whats yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer

What did the farmer say to the cow on his roof?

Get off my roof cow.

What did the farmer say to the cow on his roof wearing sunglasses?

Nothing he didn't recognise him.

[foxtrot]

Originally Posted by cruntmonkee

Whats yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer

What did the farmer say to the cow on his roof?

Get off my roof cow.

What did the farmer say to the cow on his roof wearing sunglasses?

Nothing he didn't recognise him.

Dude :