Put some jokes here (non dirty)

[Tiapan]

hahahahahahaha

[Tiapan]

the doctor should have been a loaf of bread though

[stiddy]

no offence...


Why did the Leb cross the road??
to beat up the chicken on the other side....

Why did 10 lebs cross the road??
The chicken was winning !! lol

[divine_afg]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After working on it for a few minutes, the Beamer is idling smoothly. She asks, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor Ladie"

The blonde quips, "How often do I have to do that?"
************************************************
An officer of the law stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely

if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys

would get your act together. Geez, it was just yesterday you take away my license, and now today, you are expecting me to show it to you!"
************************************************** ****

[divine_afg]

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..
*****************************************
>>>History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
>>>Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....
*************************************************
>>>HA HA HA
>>>Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
>>>Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler commited suicide

[gtfpv]

piece of string walks into a bar , and asks for a beer the barman looks down and says . your a bit of string go away we dont serve pieces of string around here. embarrassed the string storms out , fluffs up his top and ties a knot in himself . then storms back in under his disguise and asks again for a beer . the barman raises an eye and looks down . after a minute the barman says : ARENT YOU A BIT OF STRING?
STRING REPLIES . I'M A FREYED KNOT.

[rodderz]

lmao!

Thats one of those "its so silly I'll have a chuckle" type jokes!

[*rayman*]

Here's some one liners:

we went to the zoo, there was only a dog there.....It was a 5hit-zu....


There were 2 fish in a tank - one says "You drive, i'll man the guns!"


Two fish were swimming, one hits a wall, the other says 'Dam'


A grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender says 'hey we got a drink named after you' grasshopper says 'What bill?'


Horse walks into a bar, bartender says 'Why the long face?'

[F6 UTE]

What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.

[F6 UTE]

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

[F6 UTE]

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

[-jjM-]

why did the chicken chross the road? to get to the other side lol punch me i deserve it

heres one:
ur mums so fat, that whenever she bents down, don king pocks his head out and says "ONLY IN AMERICA!"

[THORNSPAWN]

Q) What did the deaf, blind, mute, paraplegic get for christmas?
A) Cancer

[I bleed ford]

damn... i only know offensive jokes

[LTDHO]

Originally Posted by stiddy

no offence...


Why did the Leb cross the road??
to beat up the chicken on the other side....

Why did 10 lebs cross the road??
The chicken was winning !! lol

Best Jokes so far!

[gozza]

man walks into doctor surgery with a steering wheel on his johnson
the doctor stands back in astonishment and says how the hell did that happen
the man replied:
" i have no idea but its driving me f^&*)king nuts"

[Falcon Freak]

Originally Posted by gozza

man walks into doctor surgery with a steering wheel on his johnson
the doctor stands back in astonishment and says how the hell did that happen
the man replied:
" i have no idea but its driving me f^&*)king nuts"

FF

[foxtrot]

I dont get the loaf of bread one or the train one

[gozza]

your not really supposed to

why did the man fall out of his window?
the room was filled with mash potato

[foxtrot]

Originally Posted by gozza

your not really supposed to

why did the man fall out of his window?
the room was filled with mash potato

WTF lol

[gozza]

exactly

a man walked up to a stranger with an apple on his head and said mate thats a nice orange
the guy said.." its not a pear its a plum"

[XR Davo]

Two Irishmen Paddy and Shamus were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from their burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Shamus stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the Shamus blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of the Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

Paddy looked disgustedly at Shamus whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to p*ss in the boat."

[Blue Oval Mopar Man]

An Aussie , Irishman and an American were having a few drinks on top of the empire state building one evening enjoying the view. The Yank says to the other two , that the reason they call New York the windy city is because when a slight wind blows it gets between all the buildings and seems to screem down the streets . Infact sometimes it blows so hard that the wind can rush so hard that when it hits the Empire State Building it runs straight up the side and you can step off the top and float in mid air !

Now even the Irishman doesnt quite beleive this and the Aussie says Bull shyte! So the Yank hand his beer to the Irishman and says , "Ok , watch this" and steps straight off the side of the building ! All of a sudden he is just unsteadily floating a couple of feet away from the edge over 1000 feet from the ground! He leans back and flaots closer to the side of the building and steps back on , taking his beer from the Irishman , takes a swig and says " I told ya so ! "

Well the Irishman ,in shear amazment jams his beer into the hand of the Aussie and shouts "I wanna go at that" ,and runs straight off the side . The Aussie and Yank rush to the edge and see him plummet straight down at a hundred mile and hour ! SPLLLLAATTTTT!!!!!!

Seeing the Irishman finnish up as a red spot on the pavement far below , the Aussie turns to the yank and says ,

" Your a real bastard when your drunk superman !" :Up_to_som

[Blue Oval Mopar Man]

Did ya hear that the day after the 9/11 attacks in America , George Bush rang Superman up and asked him why the hell he didnt save all those people ?

Superman replied " Becuase I'm in a FUNKING WHEELCHAIR , you bastard !!!!!!!!!!!!!" :nutsycuck

[Blue Oval Mopar Man]

I also heard that apon hearing the news of the boxing day tsunami 2004 , Goerge Bush vowed send 100 000 U.S. troops to the Asian region , to track down and bring this Sue Nami sheila to justice !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[foxtrot]

LOL . there was this joke about why didn't santa visit <Place where tsunami or hurricane was> this year.. and then some real hilarious answer.. but it was a bit mean

Wish i could remember it :|

[Mr Cube]

Mr T walked into a bar, it bent

[NGN 351]

Q.whats the difference between between a holden owner and fat cat ?
A. at least fat cat has friends !!! :nutsycuck

[falcon91]

A guy on his first parachute jump is plummeting to earth and get's all flustered.
He is struggling to remember how to open his parachute and the ground is getting closer.
At about 3,000' he is really in a panic until he see's a guy hurtling up towards him.
As they pass, he yells out "Hey mate, do you know anything about parachutes???
The other guy say's "No, do you know anything about lighting BBQ'S????

[Ringo]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining."


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'A Man and his wife were sitting in the living room watching a heart wrenching documentary of a brilliant athlete cut down in his prime by a debilitating stroke.

The Man says to his wife, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.


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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.
.
"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed
and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!".

"And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jump!".

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jump ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e
said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won Tattslotto!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

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A bachelor, Ed, tried to take a vacation every year. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hyatt Regency Golf Course on the Sunshine Coast. Last month he met a woman there and fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner in Noosa and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

----------------------------------------------

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup

She is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's
trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got in the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "IT's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."