Put some jokes here (non dirty)

[Hardtopxb]

Bloke tries to get into a disco,buoncer tells him he cant get in as he not wearing a tie.bloke goes back to his car and comes back wearing a jumper lead, ok your in says the bouncer but if you start anything you are out..

[MotherNatureVer2]

Basic Guide To Aussie Life



1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.



2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.



3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art

gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage

sizzle.



4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a

media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.



5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of

tomato sauce.



6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by

placing them inside their sand shoes. No thief has ever worked this out.



7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic

milk crate.



8. All our best heroes are losers.



9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from

the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.



10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.



11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swim wear, as in America, but a fine

example of Australian footwear. A group of Sheila's wearing black rubber

thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.



12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By

contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".



13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be

traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and

the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively,

Australians may just be really hopeless with names.



14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to

himself, but to the mosquitoes.



15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth

fixing.



16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one

that has the swimming pool.



17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.



18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the

family drinks too much.



19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend

all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for

it).



20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred

kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.



21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take

everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car,

you're not trying.



22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your

front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning

on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.



23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.



24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog

battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind

[Focussed]

2 cows sitting in a paddock.
1st cow says to the other,"what do you think about Mad Cow Disease?"
2nd cow answers,"who cares, Im a helicopter!"

[gozza]

thats good

[foxtrot]

nhahahaha mad jokes. keep going. this has entertained me at work all day ahahhahaha

[RAREV8]

Originally Posted by Tiapan

q:why did the boy fall off the swing??

a:he had no arms and legs

Q: why did the little girl fall off her bike?

a: someone threw a fridge at her

Beauty!! That was right up my street!! Hahahahaha! :

[stiddy]

again, no offence..

Why dont you throw a rock at an Abo on a bike??
The bike is probably yours.. :P

What do you do when an Abo has a garage sale??
Go get all your s##t back haha

[gozza]

whats an abbo with dandruff
a lemmington

an abbo with a toy up his/her ***
kinder suprise

insert abbo with any dark skin to eliminate segregated discrimnation

[bjr22n_]

Why do blondes wear fluffy underware?

to keep there ankles warm.

[foxtrot]

Originally Posted by bjr22n

Why do blondes wear fluffy underware?

to keep there ankles warm.

eh??????

[RAREV8]

After having given birth to twins, a lady goes into hospital for a bit of a "nip and tuck" to neaten up her undercarridge.
Tha doctor in charge of the procedure puts her mind at ease, gives her the anaesthetic and tells her to lie back and go to sleep. With a smile of gratitude, she does just that.

Later, she wakes up to see a smiling nurse and 3 red roses next to her.
"Who brought me these?" asks the lady.

"Well," said the nurse, "The doctor said that you were a model patient and so he brought you a rose as a present."

"And who else did?" asked the lady.

"Your husband apologises that he couldn't be here when you woke up so he bought you this rose and asked me to tell you that he will be here shortly."

" How nice!" smiled the lady.

"What about the 3rd rose?" queried the lady

"Oh, thats from Frank in the burns unit- he says thanks for his new ears!"

[RAREV8]

A redneck is driving up the highway when he sees a sign by the side of the road that reads:

Abbo hunting season- starts soon!

"Crikey!" exclaimed the redneck, "Seasons come round quick this year!"

A few miles further up the road towards the town, another sign on the side of the road reads:

Abbo hunting season -starting real soon!

The redneck smiles and glances at the shotgun behind the seat of his ute.

Just as he arrives in town, another sign reads:

Abbo season has just started!

"You bloody rippa!" shouts the redneck.

He pulls over by a bottle shop and disappears inside to get some refreshment for the shoot and grabs 3 cases of xxxx.
He pays for it and takes the first case out and dumps it in the tray of the ute before going back inside to collect the other two.

When he returns, what does he see but an Abbo jumping off his ute carrying a case of his xxxx!
"Well, I'll be...." exclaimed the redneck as he grabbed his shotgun from the ute.

"BANG!" and the Abbo drops dead barely 10 feet from the ute. No soner has he done so when a cop car pulls over, sirens going.

"Whats going on here then?" asks the officer.
"Damn abbo nicked my beer but I got him!" answered the redneck smugly
"Well, you are under arrest my friend!" said the copper and proceeded to handcuff the redneck.
"what?" shouts the redneck, "abbo hunting season has started! I'm allowed to shoot him!"
"Maybe," answered the officer "but setting traps for them is illegal!"

Again please dont take any offence, you can replace the abbo/redneck with any other creed that takes your fancy (scottish/english?)

[BO55]

Qid you hear about the short sighted circumciser? ??
A:He got the sack.

Q: Why did god create Adam before Eve?
A: He didn't want anyone telling him how to make adam.

Q:What do ya call a man with no legs swiming in the ocean
A: Bob

Q:What do ya do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A:Run like hell she has a grenade in her mouth.

Q:How do ya make four old ladies swear?
A:Get a fifth one to yell BINGO.

[phoon]

2 aussies on holiday in Italy. Walking down the main street in Milan they see an organ grinder with a monkey. One aussie says to his mate, Geez Italians are ugly people, his mate replies, yeah but there kids are cute.

[Ryan]

Originally Posted by foxtrot

Man in VN commodore drives to wreckers for some spare parts, walks up to counter, have you got a..... man behind counter looks over at VN and interrupts.. "nah we're full up right now buddy, thanks but no thanks"

lol the funny thing is that its true. lol

['63Deluxe]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

[joshf2]

Originally Posted by foxtrot

LOL . there was this joke about why didn't santa visit <Place where tsunami or hurricane was> this year.. and then some real hilarious answer.. but it was a bit mean

Wish i could remember it :|

santa bypassed some asian countries this year. but he did give them a wave.

[BO55]

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers??
A: Proffessional courtesy

[BO55]

A guy ask's a girl for her name. She replies " I call myself Carmen because i like car's and men. Whats your name?" Beershag.

[foxtrot]

LOL hahahahahahahaaha

[Falcon Freak]

Who am I?

I will send you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy and you will beg me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And when I am finished you will be weak for days








Answer: The flu

FF

[BO55]

HAaaaaa HAaaa. Like it .ROL

[xxxc]

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competitition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's
drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

[xxxc]

2 iraqis come over to australia

they make a bet with each, that they will meet up again in 3 years & see who has became the most aussie

3 years on they both meet at a footy match

The first iraqi comes up & sais "look at me mate, im eating a meet pie & drinking a vb, I reckon i've won this bet aye mate"

The second iraqi sits back & laughs saying "ИИИИ off ya towell head"

[BO55]

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear Kilts??
A: Because sheep can hear a zip from miles away.

[Psycho Chicken]

What has 60 balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.


What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.


Yes, I'm going to hell!

[Falcon Freak]

Q. What do peroxide blondes and 747s have in common?
A. They both have black boxes.

FF

[BO55]

Q: What three words ruin a mans ego??
A: Is it in??

[qwigybo]

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 10 o'clock news together. The current news was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The situation cut to a commercial.
Brunette: "I'll bet you $20 he's going to jump."
Blonde: "Okay."
(then back to the newscast.)
He jumps.
Blonde: "Okay, here's my $20."
Brunette: "No, that was too easy, I can't take your money."
Blonde: "I insist. I lost!"
Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6 o'clock news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."
Blonde: "I saw the exact same newscast, but I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!"

[RAREV8]

Originally Posted by BO55

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear Kilts??
A: Because sheep can hear a zip from miles away.

many a truth is said in jest!!

Throw me another lamb, this ones burst!