Put some jokes here (non dirty) - Page 8

foxtrot · 08-02-2006, 10:56 AM

looks like this threads dead.. after 9 pages :( *sigh*

bjr22n_ · 08-02-2006, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxtrot

looks like this threads dead.. after 9 pages :( *sigh*

It's not dead, it just that everyone forgot about it.

:

gozza · 08-02-2006, 11:18 AM

whats orange and sound like a parrot

a carrot

whats long brown and stinky

the unemployment line

bjr22n_ · 08-02-2006, 11:20 AM

what's red and looks like a bucket???

.......a red bucket.

:

bjr22n_ · 08-02-2006, 11:21 AM

what's brown and sticky?

.... a stick.

:

gozza · 08-02-2006, 11:21 AM

whats better than 8 babies in a garbage bin

1 baby in 8 garbage bins

whats the worst thing about licking the smoothest p&**(sy in the world

putting the nappy back on

bjr22n_ · 08-02-2006, 11:23 AM

Whats yellow and looks like a bucket..

..........a red bucket in disguise.

:

bjr22n_ · 08-02-2006, 11:37 AM

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said one man, scornfully, can keep a secret.

I dont know about that, answered a blonde woman guest. I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.

Youll let it out some day, the man insisted.

I hardly think so responded the blonde lady. When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.

bjr22n_ · 08-02-2006, 11:42 AM

A gynocologist decides he wants a career change, and decides to give automotive repair a go. He enrols in tafe, and excels in his course, and is soon at the final exam. This exam requires him to strip an engine completely, and put it back together so it will run.

At the completion of the exam, his teacher comes over to him and says, "congratulations, I am giving you 120%."

"120%?" the gyno replies "no one can get 120%"

"Well", replies the teacher, "I am giving you 100% because you stripped and built the engine perfectley. I am giving you the other 20% because you did it all through the exahust pipe."

bjr22n_ · 08-02-2006, 11:51 AM

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego? "
"Sure, " answered the blonde, "do you need a lift? "
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to
keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble. "
"I'd be happy to, " said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's
car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! !
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the
two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here? " he demanded, "I gave you $100 to
take these chimpanzees to the zoo. "
"Yes, I know you did, " said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.

SUMIK · 08-02-2006, 12:04 PM

Hi all
did you hear the joke about the man that bought a HSV Commodore............

scollis · 08-02-2006, 12:14 PM

Sisters Of St Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye.It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTER OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is lead through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers
the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

bjr22n_ · 08-02-2006, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SUMIK

Hi all
did you hear the joke about the man that bought a HSV Commodore............

that he brought a commodore, thats a joke itself

:

bjr22n_ · 09-02-2006, 10:37 AM

Telephone conversation goes:

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house:

"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaate!!!!"

foxtrot · 09-02-2006, 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bjr22n

Telephone conversation goes:

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house:

"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaate!!!!"

LOL hahahahaha

just waking the thread up

keep on posting people

bjr22n_ · 09-02-2006, 03:06 PM

3 guys go into a stip club,
first guy is an aussie, the stripper bends over and he puts $10 down her bra, gives her a wink and off she goes.
second bloke is a kiwi, he puts $20 down the front of her g-string, blows her a kiss and off she goes.
the last bloke was an irishman, he simply swipes his atm card, takes the $30 and off he goes

Falcon_Phill · 09-02-2006, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gozza

whats the worst thing about licking the smoothest p&**(sy in the world

putting the nappy back on

dude.

:

devilracer_01 · 09-02-2006, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gozza

whats better than 8 babies in a garbage bin

1 baby in 8 garbage bins

whats the worst thing about licking the smoothest p&**(sy in the world

putting the nappy back on

They are wrong on so many levels very very very wrong

:

Falcon Freak · 10-02-2006, 09:47 PM

Heard this on the radio this morning....

Elton John is filling for divorce as he heard his partner is having sex behind his back.

FF

Gubas · 11-02-2006, 01:12 PM

>>THE DUCT TAPE INCIDENT
>>Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the
>>bar. He
>>walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
>>"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I
>>wanted to
>>ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
>>"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
>>"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the
>>courage to ask
>>her out, and she agreed."
>>"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
>>"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was
>>worried I'd
>>get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
>>leg, so
>>if I did, it wouldn't show".
>>"Sensible" says Jeff.
>>"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She
>>answered it
>>in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
>>"And what happened then?"
>>"I kicked her in the face."

xr8chick · 11-02-2006, 06:04 PM

what did the five fingers say to the face?
SLAP!! lol i got that one the chappelle show

Hitman · 11-02-2006, 09:14 PM

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.

"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.

"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.

"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.

"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."

"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Hitman · 11-02-2006, 09:18 PM

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Mudzy · 11-02-2006, 09:19 PM

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she sh*ts on you!"

Hitman · 11-02-2006, 09:20 PM

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

ltd · 12-02-2006, 11:42 AM

OK, why do dogs lick their balls?

Because they can't make a fist.

ltd · 12-02-2006, 11:44 AM

How many palestinians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they'll sit in the dark and blame Israel

bjr22n_ · 13-02-2006, 01:01 PM

A passenger plane is airbourne when the pilot announced they've had huge problems with the engines and are going to have to crash land it.

Amidst all the confusion and panic a woman stands up and says, "If i'm going to die i'm going to die feeling like a woman. Is there a man here who can make me feel like a woman?"

Suddenly, a man stands up, takes off his shirt and says "Here, iron this!"

devilracer_01 · 13-02-2006, 03:12 PM

Why do women have shorter feet than men??

So they are closer to the stove.

bjr22n_ · 13-02-2006, 03:37 PM

The following series of messages chronicle life in our contemporary society at this time of year ....

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty